When All Odds Bring About Balance... #MAAT

@tinyandbrave

I have now existed and lived for 36 years on this earth. I am blessed . I am humbled. I am grateful. And I will try to celebrate everyday possible.

It's been a year since I decided I would share my journey as a single mother pursuing her dreams of becoming a midwife. I wanted to share with you the four lessons I have learned in this year. The four lessons that stood out for me. The number 4 is the number of stability, order and completion of justice. So here is mines:

1. "Become comfortable with the uncomfortable." Dr. Eric Mason. On June 29th I landed in Dallas with my daughter to live in the home of a friend. It was a very difficult decision but I had to humble myself if I truly believe this was the path I was to pursue. Being a single woman in her 30's with a toddler; you want to avoid making a decision that will affect the well being of your child. My living situation was a private bedroom but shared common areas, with barely no privacy or the freedom to be me. I would beat myself many of times of the decision I made. I should be married, in love, own my own home, and pregnant with my 2nd child by my standard of success. I couldn't find a stable job in Dallas that would allow me to apprentice and provide for my daughter and I. People who thought who were friends began to distant themselves. And I was alone and homesick majority of the time. Many times I wanted to pack my stuff and move back to Philadelphia regretting my decision. In the mean time, I would study in the middle of the night while my daughter would sleep while having to wake up the next day to work for a bi-weekly stipend that didn't cover our needs.

After six months I relocated to Austin, Texas to work at a Birthing Center while my daughter stayed with my mother in Connecticut for a few months. The hardest part was when I would call and facetime her at night and she would refuse to speak to me. I felt as though she was forgetting who her mother was or thinking I wasn't her mother anymore. Was I fucking up my daughter's life and/or development? Was she angry at me? Did she feel abandoned by me? What was I missing seeing her do for the first time or how was she progressing or the lack of. But in the meantime I kept hustling and kept looking for work. Two weeks in Austin I released from my duties from the Birthing Center because they felt I was too green for the position as a birth assistant in a fast pace environment. Once again at that very moment I questioned all my decisions to move to Texas. But as quickly it came it quickly left and I wouldn't allow myself to feel sorry for myself and I did what I knew best-hustle. As I was walking out the building of that birth center I was sending emails to every possible midwife in Austin I knew and could find. By Thursday that week I found a new apprenticeship with two midwives for the price of one!!! It wasn't paying but it was better then the original plan. Most apprentice struggle just to find one preceptor let alone two.  I am TENACIOUS.

@tinyandbrave

2. Pay attention to your bad habits. I have never been able to stay at a job longer than two years. I admire folks who have been able to stay at their jobs for years. It is the skill of mastery. But for me I get bored very easily. Eventually I feel stagnate and a need for a new challenge. I needed to know that in whenever in serving my community there is no glass ceiling but that is the case in social service. I would always feel I would hit a wall which limit the extent of how I can help the people I serve. Reason why I still haven't gotten my license as a counselor after receiving my masters because then I would be force to adhere to the regulations of the state like placing a time limit on how long I can counsel someone. With midwifery I would constantly be challenged and learn something new.

I also think my inability to stay somewhere speaks of enterprising spirit who's a late bloomer, lol! I had to look back in  my past life and currently and saw I found joy in creating, motivating, and giving. I love inspiring others to be the best they can be. By nature I am passionate-for people and life. I see every challenge as an opportunity and I am constantly optimistic. I have come to accept adaptability. I am willing to take risk and execute, even when the fear of failure is singing in my ear. I rather fail trying then fail by not trying at all. But if truth be told if I try it's just another opportunity to solve an opportunity. 

There's so much I would love to share with you but I know I must also be patient. And many times some of those ideas and visions are just that and not meant to become more. So currently I am learning to distinguish what should be tossed to my mental trash? What should be delegated to someone else? What should be worth my time? What should be done now vs., later? Learn that NOW but don't be afraid to make mistakes and learn from them. I am a VISIONARY.

@tinyandbrave

3. Rejection can be a beautiful gift/surprise for something better. I did not allow myself to be distracted by temporary obstacles. You see I was willing to be homeless for my dreams/purpose; crazily-sane and in love with the process/journey. Don't be fooled by what's before you bc what's before you maybe just a distraction from what's really happening on your behalf. See through the filters, that we live in a world where God created and operates in ABUNDANCE. Don't let fear be your roadblock. Approaching the alters of this earth in this perspective, attracts all that is meant for you. 

People will tell you no or what they think for you. But will you accept what they say? Will you allow them to make their truth your truth? Whatever that area maybe - career, family, love, etc., that you're trying to obtain will you take the NO's personal or as protection? I have realized that many opportunities that I've tried to make happen were not really meant for me or I just wasn't ready to receive at that time. Now in my life that's how exactly how I see no's as... either I'm being protected from something, I'm not ready and/or there's something better... or I just simply create my own door, create from my very own obstacles and/or need within my community. My obstacles are usually my biggest motivation. I am an OVERCOMER.

4. Love hard while protecting your magic. Be genuine in all that you do no matter what and who opposes that. But be wise and intuitive on how you share yourself with people. Everyone will not be happy for you and sadly, many people may not be in an healthy place emotionally and/or mentally and spiritually to be a part of your team. Don't force relationships but let them organically happen. Realize that your willingness to wrestle through issues in your "friendships" and/or "business partnerships" doesn't mean they are willing or mature enough to do the same. Sometimes people even unconsciously trying to destroy you, precisely because they recognize your power - because they see it and they don't want it to exist because it highlights their shortcomings. So create boundaries that will protect your spirit, your magic. When you fix your thinking then the problems fix themselves. Once you learn to be happy and at peace you won't tolerate being around people who operate in their lower existence-lower vibration unless they are ready to change that. And if they are quick to walk away then they never intended to stay. THEIR REJECTION IS YOUR PROTECTION. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL. I am WHOLE.

And some people want to stay in their pain because it's comfortable and easy but that's actually a slow death. So make yourself a priority before you raise a banner for the next person and their dreams. SO DON'T STOP UNTIL YOU'RE PROUD AND EVERYONE ON YOUR TEAM IS EQUALLY EATING. I am a GIVER.

@tinyandbrave

At the end of the day it comes down to the weighing and the condition of ones heart when dealing with all these lessons while being grateful and waiting in humble expectation at all times. Do the heartwork necessary to receive all God/Universe has intended for you to have. We are BLESSED and DIVINE.

Love, Peace and Blessings.

I Wasn't Able to Fulfill my Purpose Until I Had My Daughter

IN ORDER FOR HER DAUGHTER SEE TO HER AS FEARLESS, THIS WOMAN HAD TO TAKE A CAREER LEAP SHE’D AVOIDED FOR YEARS.

The day-to-day hustle of life gets the best of us when we become adults. We let fear act as the barometer that tells what we should do; we get trapped in the lie of living a safe life, even if that means being miserable at a 9-5.

I knew that wasn't the life I was meant to live at a very early age. As the daughter of Haitian immigrants, I inherited a strong work ethic. But as time went on and I became older, I started to see that while I had learned about the importance of hard work and education from my parents, I didn't know anything about financial literacy. I was the first in my immediate family to graduate high school and attend college, but because I wasn’t sure of what I wanted to do, I accumulated a lot of loans. You could say I was a professional student like Lynn from Girlfriends—I went to three different colleges during my undergrad.

I had a lot of different interests during that time, but the one that I kept coming back to was midwifery. The film Losing Isaiah (Jessica Lange played an OB/GYN social worker) and a chance encounter with a midwife-in-training introduced me to the vocation. I began my doula work and witnessed my first birth in 2003, volunteered in Senegal with the African Birth Collective, and assisted midwives.

I finally graduated in 2008 with a degree in media studies after deciding I wanted to be a documentary filmmaker. But like so many graduates, I didn’t get to put my degree to use in the real world. I worked in counseling and human services for years, and enjoyed working with the detained teenagers, teen moms, and homeless women and children my work brought into my life. But even though I truly enjoyed the work, I would always hit a wall. It was frustrating to realize that I could only help people to a certain degree. And, more importantly, I had always wanted to work for myself—I detested working for someone else.

Working in human services brought me closer to my purpose, but it wasn’t until I had my daughter Glorious-Zoelle that a path started to present itself. Now, as a 35-year-old single mother, I ask myself constantly, “What do I want my child to know me as?” And I know that I want my daughter to think of me as fearless, compassionate, and well-established. I am my daughter's first teacher, and one of the things I would like to pass down to her is a life fueled by work she’s passionate about.

It was hard for me to make that leap, though. I struggled with the idea of becoming a midwife for a few reasons: I was intimidated by the science classes, the amount of time it would take, and accumulating more loans and debt. But I kept coming back to it, and I began doing the research on what route would be the best way to make this happen. I landed on being a certified professional midwife, but they’re only acceptable in certain states. So the next quest was figuring out which state I was willing to relocate to. (Imagine a city girl considering the possibility of moving to Arkansas!)

I started speaking with midwives in different states, asking them about midwifery in their state and the climate for Black midwives. The only place that looked promising was Texas; even though you can count on one hand the number of Black midwives in the state, it appears that Texas is the mecca of the birth world. Being a single mother living with roommates and barely making ends meet, I knew it was worth it to take that leap to do something I love and be so handsomely rewarded for it. I do have fears of how being Black will affect my career, but I’ll deal with that as it comes.

Right now I’m doing a lot of decluttering and spring cleaning. This move almost feels like an emotional and spiritual purge from weight I’ve been holding onto for years. I’m closing a chapter of my past. I’m still trying to figure out what this move will look like, but overall, I don’t have fears—I’m excited for the future for my daughter and I. I’m looking to move to Dallas, Texas some time this summer. I walk the stage on May 7, the day before Mother’s Day, to receive my master’s in counseling with a concentration in marriage and family. And in the midst of my move I will begin my midwifery studies at Mercy In Action’s Midwifery Academic Online Distance program, while apprenticing with midwives in Texas for the next three years to become a certified professional midwife.

Five years from now, I will be 40 years old and my daughter will be 7. (Wow, just thinking about that is blowing my mind.) But my hopes are that, by then, I’ll be able to live the freedom I have always envisioned. I want to be an available parent—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually—to my daughter Glorious-Zoelle. I see myself homeschooling my daughter and as I am teaching her new things I am learning as well. I envision traveling to lands I have never heard of with my daughter.

I still don’t have everything together and I’m still working on my five-year plan, but I do want to say it’s never too late to pursue your dreams and accomplish your goals. Each day is a new day of opportunities that we can choose to grab or miss out on. Your biggest obstacle and competition is yourself. Anything is possible if you’ve got enough nerve to do it.

This year as I celebrate my daughter’s second birthday, we’ll also celebrate our new chapter in our journey together. I can’t wait to walk the stage with my daughter on commencement day, because she has been a source of my new level of strength and fearlessness. Glorious-Zoelle, my diploma—and everything I do after—is for you.