#SantaTatianna: Mother Divine & Baby Magick

Name: Tatianna

Birth place: Fortuna, California

Current Residency: New Orleans, Louisiana

Occupation: Owner of MyUrbanIllumination.com, Tarot Reader & Healer/Spiritual Therapist

What was your upbringing? What is your cultural background?

I was raised in Brooklyn, NY my whole life - my parents were in the military when they had me and immediately flew back home once I arrived but divorced shortly after. As a result, my father gained full custody and i never established a relationship with my mother’s family until recently. My father’s end is predominantly Puerto Rican, with heavy Afro-Taino heritage & some Spaniard + Chilean influences, whereas my mother is Black, Native American, Polynesian w/ Indonesian roots. I grew up in the hood, living in the projects of Bedstuy and absolutely loving every minute of it. It was a melting pot of blacks and latinos so I had the best of both worlds & culture in my home. My father is an artist and was very adamant on exposing me to other forms of life, art, music, and cultures one could not access in the hood at a very young age, so we always spent our weekends visiting museums, traveling or doing fun activities that kept my brain sharp.

Are any of the women or men in your family (ancestors included) involved in spiritual work/divination?

My father is technically an open Medium but a non-practicing one. It’s a skillset that suddenly came to him once my grandfather passed and he’s still navigating its realms but it’s definitely one that intimidates him and one that he has no control of. He’s the only one I’m aware of from that lineage that has been consciously open to the spirit world and spirit work, but hasn’t truly dived into it. On my mother’s end, my aunts and uncles have revealed to me that Magick runs heavily in our blood line. My Great-Grandmother & Grandmother practiced the dark arts consciously in their younger years and since seeing the reprocussions of such actions have claimed a more religious life. I have also been told that my Mother has practiced dabbling in magic but I’m not aware of the extent as my family can be hush-hush about these things. I am aware that I had a great-aunt that passed in her younger years and was well versed in Tarot, so it certainly runs on both ends.

So when did you know you were called to this? Do you mind sharing your journey?

Magick has always been a prevalent force in my life. Raised by a Pisces dad, I was exposed to the possibilities of other worlds existing through quantum physics, various ways of connecting to ourselves spiritually and knowing that we’re more than just a physical body. Our home was filled with books on Edgar Cayce, Nostradamus, Buddhism, Taoism, Creative Visualization, How to read Auras and balance Chakras, etc, so I was exposed to spirituality, healing and the power of our minds at a very early age. I was supported to discover my own path in all aspects of life and was allowed freedom to explore whatever spiritual practices and traditions that I most resonated with as long as they came with good & pure intentions. Essentially, I was taught that we are all interconnected and in many ways, most practices if not all, have commonalities that make them the same, just varying in personal mythologies, pathways and perspectives.

Knowing this, I dived into particular practices that I feel best exemplified my connection to the divine. Ancestral wise, my Puerto-Rican grandma always made “remedios,” herbal remedies that were home-made conjure healing tinctures that served to cure or aid people with their intentions because she was raised in “el campo,” which is essentially the nature ghettos of P.R, parts that were deemed “uncivilized” and some what primitive compared to the industrial parts of the land. I gained the love for learning about herbs and mixing my own tinctures and oils from her and our Afro-Latino customs. She is Christian (Catholic) with an open mind, often curious about magic yet held some resistance towards it, especially Santeria since her exposure was generally negative and taboo. Her compassion and acceptance for all walks of life and skepticism towards Santeria, made me more of a curious person to want to dive in and explore African Spirituality and ancestral magic as a tool for self-transformation and healing.

With Tarot in particular, I ended up discover a deck of cards as a child in her home and playing with them as if I could read cards (playing cards mind you). No one ever taught me or introduced me into divination. It was an organic process and an innate attraction that I’ve always had in me. I also would read palms at that age, with no explanation of what i was doing. I thought it was a game at the time and i never questioned why i was playing it, lol. I curiosity of this world kept growing and i would read books on paganism and meditation, worked in spiritual shops from my teens and onward and read there as a Tarot practitioner while learning how to perform spells & ritual work for clients. Spirituality & Magic has always been a part of my life.

What was the event or moment that confirmed this was your calling?

There was never a definitive time where I realized this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I focused a majority of my life dancing professionally and teaching dance, while doing Tarot on the side but it wasn’t until my father mentioned that I could really create it into a great online business, after listening to an NPR interview w/ a woman who had quit her corporate job to start an online tarot business. The impact that my readings have on the lives of others, sustains me and lets me know that I’m serving one of my many purposes. But I believe that I have many callings in life, not just this one.

How did you come up with Urban Illumination?

I got the idea from working in several Metaphysical, Botanica & Spiritual shops throughout the years and feeling like they were missing something. Either the market was wicked gentrified and Spirituality was being sold as a lifestyle gimmick or the environment was unwelcoming or there wasn’t enough education that empowered customers to learn or know more of this world. I envisioned My Urban Illumination as a platform that would appeal those from all walks of life and educate them on various spiritual traditions and practices that can help empower their path, strengthen their connection to Spirit and demystify the truth of these practices. I was inspired by my neighborhood in Bedstuy, and how it would be amazing to have some spiritual outlet in an urban environment that focused on mindfulness, conscious growth and spiritual knowledge of self, hence, My Urban Illumination.

What makes you different from other energy workers?

A couple of things: I’ve been doing this for over 2 decades, so I didn’t just venture into the practice when it became popularized within the past couple of years. Magic has always been a part of my story and life, perhaps that’s why so many people connect with my messages, because i’ve accumulated enough references and experience to write about over time and make it relatable to others on a universal level. I also consider myself a well-rounded person, who has interests and talents other than spiritual/energy work. Sometime energy workers can tie themselves into an identity where they only associate with spiritual matters. I’m a down-to-earth person with many interests and passions that i communicate about and can integrate into my spiritual practice. It’s good for people to know that you’re realistic and approachable, rather than all this love & light fluff. I’m still a Brooklyn girl at heart that’s testing out what she preaches and sometimes gets it wrong too.

What are your rituals to keep yourself balanced and in tuned?

It’s more of the simple things that work for me. I engage in intentional prayer when I wake, over the food and drinks I take and before I sleep, is a must. I take my time in the morning to relax with my fiance and we both check in energetically on how we’re feeling, what we’re setting out to do for the day while eating breakfast, cuddling and pulling each other’s cards. We also pray together regarding what we are grateful for and what we are looking to create in our lives; i see this more of claiming what you want and projecting gratitude and appreciation as well. This keeps us grounded and aware of our ancestors, spirits and higher selves - and is a link that keeps us connected. I take frequent spiritual baths to cleanse myself from all the work and energy I’ve been doing with clients and from picking up around town and I enjoy using spiritual sprays w/ blessed water & herbs as a refreshment. Also, frequently checking in with my Babalawo, which is a close friend of ours, also helps to keep me balanced and on the right path.

What are the various spiritual paths that you pull from to create your own center of beliefs?

I find that all spiritual paths share a common thread, which is their connection to Source energy & that consciousness is embedded in us all. So the study of consciousness & quantum physics, has always been a part of my path from a spiritual/scientific standpoint. It helps me understand the mechanics behind my power as a spirit being in a physical body. I pull predominantly from African-Spiritual practices & belief systems, including Ifa, some Haitian Vodou ideologies and now that i’m in New Orleans, I’m increasingly incorporating Hoodoo practices into my everyday life.

When did you discover you were with child/pregnant? Do you mind sharing your experience? Was it a conscious or unconscious conception?

February 1st, the day that Beyonce made her official announcement with the twins funny enough, I had purchased a pregnancy test that I took while on a quick 15 min break from an online Astrology course I was taking. I had suspicions that I could be pregnant but since Jay & I took precautionary measure, I thought perhaps I could just have have a late cycle - but the test came out positive. It was an overwhelming experience because we didn’t plan it but I can’t say that the baby didn’t go unnoticed. I had received guidance from 4 intuitives/psychics prior to me moving to New Orleans that all picked up on a child. Also the time I had conceived #babymagic was the very same time a year prior that I had experienced a loss, in which I was advised through one my spirit guides that a child would arrive once I could learn from the experience and be more savvy with the spirit realm. I was told that my future child would guide me, so although initially I felt apprehensive about the pregnancy, I quickly grew to accept and love this blessing. This is why I gave her the label #babymagic, because in many ways, she was prophesied to me.

Now that you are soon-to-be mom how has it affected your work?

I’m honoring myself more than ever, whereas I used to throw myself into my work and disregard boundaries, my personal energy and need for breaks. I’ve gotten fearless in communicating my expectations and demands, more creative in my approach, more confident in my own judgement and intuition and certainly more respectful of my time, space and energy - especially now that my daughter is sharing that. I have had a boost of drive and passion, to the point that I can see myself dedicating time to a trillion other side projects but most importantly being pregnant has shown me how to slow down and honor this gradual pace. I’m not working at the same speed as I have before but as result, I’ve been happier and mentally healthier.

Do you mind sharing your expectations and/or fears in becoming a mother?

I expect to conquer it all with my child and to introduce to her that it’s possible with will power, discipline and love. I don’t anticipate slowing down in my path just because I’m a mother, having a child empowers me to do it all and I’m excited to show this world to her, as I didn’t have my own mother to show me. I want her to know the power of magic that lies within her and to guide her in using it to transform the world around her. I have no fears; everything is in divine order and I was made for this.

What have you learned about yourself thus far during your pregnancy?

Ha! This is something Jay and I both learned individually of each other, and that is, we’re too nice. Boundaries were important before but now that I’m in mama lioness mode, they’re more important more than ever. I used to be tactful and direct in delivering my messages but now I don’t care. I’m unapologetic with expressing what I like/ don’t like, who I like and don’t like and taking extra measure to protect myself and my family. I now recognize the power of my voice and everyday the power of my being as a whole. The fact that I have the ability to conceive a child is still surreal to me. It makes me feel unstoppable in many ways, so I’m learning that there’s just so much I can be achieving and I’ve barely scratched the surface.

Has your little one intuitively spoken to you and if so, do you mind sharing one experience you feel comfortable sharing?

She’s speaks all the time, telepathically! I joke to people and say that i’m birthing a dragon, a powerhouse of sorts but I truly believe it. Our connection has been immediate from the start and she contains immense fire energy, an undeniable commanding presence mixed with grace and playful curiosity.

What would you define as a healthy spirit worker?

Someone who can discern what is the truth for themselves and doesn’t force others to follow their views but empowers them to discover their own connection to spirit. They enforce proper boundaries to respect themselves & others.

Define Motherhood

The ability to access an innate energy of possibility and creativity within and to hone that through love, accountability and action. It is acknowledgement and respect towards the responsibilities one has with their manifestations, physical and non-physical and the awareness that they can do it all as a woman. It is the sacrifice one takes to cultivate a better, more conscious version of themselves in their child. It is seeing the beauty in every experience and how that gives birth to something greater in retrospect.

Define Femininity

The ability to flow with what is, trusting in the magic of the universe and to be receptive to one’s power as a channel of spirit. It is the power of being and containing all possibilities in one.

Define Power

The ability to influence others through your own actions, emotions and thoughts. A force that wills us to manifest our dreams and desires.

Define Spirituality

One’s personal connection to the divine and how they perceive themselves as part of the divine.

Define Love

Peaceful acceptance and appreciation of what is. A resonance with your truth and what is right for you.

Define Wisdom

Timeless resources or advice you can use to help you evolve from your current state of being.

What are some words of wisdom you would share for someone pursuing this path?

This path is an ever evolving one. Who you were 2 weeks ago isn’t who you are now, accept that change is inevitable and don’t resist it. Take sacred time to learn yourself more than ever before, to ask yourself deep introspective questions and to remain a healthy skeptic. Accept all forms of who you show up to be in this body, as you gracefully learn how to create which one is most appropriate for you. And in all transitions, be fearless in your quest for truth, never compromise your own gut and feelings. You know what’s best for you.

IF you don't know yet... Do you think it's a Boy or Girl?

#BabyMagic is a firey Girl!!!

#BirthPains: Anthony Crawford Adamick

Name: Anthony Crawford Adamick

Age: 34

Birth place: Boston, MA

Occupation: Photographer and Motivational Speaker

"My goal is to capture and tell an amazing story in images. Story telling is what drives me.  Whether it’s creating a photo project to shed light on a issue, a brand, shooting portraits, street and travel photography or just hanging out with friends and family. everyone has a story and I want to capture it. 

In a world of “snapshots” and uninteresting photos, please allow me to capture your story and leave you with images that make you feel their emotions and live on forever."

What do you say to man that has been practically been through so much but didn't break? An overcomer. And Anthony Crawford Adamick is just that, an overcomer. He has been through abandonment of his father before his birth, abuse from his step father, infidelity from his ex-wife, depression and more. But one thing that stayed consistent was being a father to his children, his father was never was for him. You truly don't know a person until you become adults. In that time I saw Anthony started doing photography. I saw his development and was extremely impressed on how he grew in his craft. Eventually I would ask him if he wanted to be featured on my blog and he more then agreed to be interviewed. But I didn't know what he was about to share. 

Let me first say, after our interview I was honored that he felt comfortable enough to share his story on this platform. So I will like to publicly say thank you and hope I do your story justice.

I was extremely depressed. I didn't have the motivation to do anything. On top of that I had found out that my wife had cheated on me and that the baby she was carrying wasn't mine. I left everything behind in Connecticut and moved back to Boston. Sleeping on my sisters couch and struggling with anxiety attacks. So I just randomly picked up an old camera and went on a journey on taking pictures. I needed to do something and started shooting pictures and my mind wasn't bothered by all that I was dealing with. Then someone told me that I wasn't good enough and suggested I give it up. But I didn't listen and eventually it is what you see today. It helps me to get out of my head. I love the power to be able to tell a story and discovered I can make income from my passion. This year I will be backpacking in July to Haiti to capture positive imagery of the people and it's land. No I'm not Haitian but I've always had a strong gravitation to the culture for some reason; and some of my friends are Haitian. I dislike the imagery and propaganda that they circulate about Haiti and I want to be part of changing that.

My childhood wasn't easy. My father abandoned me before I was born and my step father was abusive. So I never had a relationship with my father. Down the years I was later told I was molested by a teacher who ended up being locked up for his crime. I would have a difficult time in school because of it, I was told. I don't remember it maybe bc I was young or I just shut that memory out. Something I became a master at doing. Eventually as time went on I realized crying was a good outlet in dealing with a lot of things I was going through. So many men are shamed for crying but it's therapeutic. I let it out and then I am able to move on bc I have released that feeling.

Through my experience I define family as as supportive unit that come into your life to be positive influence. Someone who is willing to be supportive. It does not need to be defined by blood. It's people who have been there for you. It is a spiritual connection you have with the people who come in your life.

But in attempting to define fatherhood and even family is very difficult for becasue I trully never had that. So I am in a journey of self-awareness. It is very hard to just hug my son at times. I have to tell myself to hug my son becasue I never had that. So being a father is an ongoing process for me.

My life statrted changing once I had the understanding I wasn't less than. As a father there is pressure, especially when not having one in your own life; to not be like the ones who weren't in my life. And I had to realize I had to create peace within myself to be a good father. Being self-aware, knowing my flaws; realizing who I was and stop making excuses and realizing all that doesn't matter. Everything you go through doesn't dictate where you are or will be. You can be whoever you want to be. Once you start jumping into life but you must embrace fear. LEAP EVERYDAY. HAVE FAITH  AND THINGS WILL START OPENING FOR YOU. Your blessings will meet you at your level of courage. Your faith in yourself and God will open doors.

My goal is to be a motivational speaker and photography is the pipeline towards that. I want to help people change their perspective of themselves . Something I've done my whole life. I love inspiring others and that's what I'm doing now, everyday.

Anthony is a full time photographer focused on changing the narrative of the downtroddenthrough photo stories. Hi is currently teaching photography at Putnam middle school in Cambridge ma. He helps small businesses with their marketing and social media. Anthony's photography expertise is in corporate and commercial photography. He is scheduled to talk at a "today at Apple event". He has shot for brands like Microsoft and Pillpack. he is headed to Haiti next month to work on a personal photography project. Anthony's fine art pieces have been displayed and sold through different galleries in the city and is currently in a accelerated business program. You can see more of his work her in his website http://www.ovstills.com/ or his instagram at @ovstills.

#AspiringMidwife: Kamil El

Every mother has a birth story, different for every child. I am honored to have had the euphoria of pregnancy and later birth. I also have had the heartbreak of discovering that my child would have a lifelong disability. The process of grieving for the child I dreamed of and the determination to love the child I have influenced my birth stories. I write to share their beginning in the most unlikely of circumstances.

As a senior at the Philadelphia High School for Girls, I was going to be the first of my family to attend college. I was also pregnant. My best friend, H., was pregnant too. (We still do everything together.) She was farther along than me. I told her I had no intention of carrying the pregnancy to term. Without batting an eye we planned how and when I would end the pregnancy without my family finding out. Graduation was two weeks away so we moved quickly. She borrowed her mom’s car and drove me to the pre-procedure appt and back for the procedure. I was already overcome with emotion and fear. H. was steadfast that she would be there the whole time. We did a drive by to survey parking. To our complete horror there was an anti-abortion protest in full swing! At least 300 people were blocking the entrance to Planned Parenthood. I wanted to leave but she would not let me. She was nine months pregnant and dragging me down the street, through throngs of protesters. They were shouting, shoving pictures at us, it was really unnerving. Still, we got through it undeterred. When it came time to pay for the procedure the fee was $100 more than budgeted. My ultrasound had indicated that I was further along than originally estimated. I did not have the money or means of getting it. All I remember thinking was that it was a sign from God that the entire effort was wrong. The nurse counseled me and offered financial assistance from the Women’s Medical Fund (WMF). WMF provides financial assistance to women in Southeastern PA who cannot afford to terminate a pregnancy. All she asked is that I pay back the money as soon I could. I promised.

After the procedure, my dear H., drove us back to her house. I could not go home. My mother would know something was up. As I lay there, contemplating the meaning of life and what my purpose was… H. explodes in the room to announce that her water had broken. Stunned is an understatement. How could this day have gotten any worse? Six hours later I was holding her tiny, beautiful daughter. I felt guilty all over again. I made my second promise that day. When the time was right, I would do my part to ensure that children are born into the most fertile conditions possible.

Later when I reached the seasoned age of 24, my husband and I decided to stop not trying to get pregnant. A few months went by. Then we started keeping track of our efforts. After about a year we saw an OB. The visit was two words, cold and indifferent. I sought out the care of a Midwife.

She taught me how to track ovulation and check cervical mucus for fertility. She also had me take Nettle and Red Clover to enhance fertility. The tiny, out of the box, woman rocked my proverbial world. In less than two months we were expecting. She also packed up shop to head for Peru to study with a Shaman. Midwives can do that apparently. Before leaving though she referred me to another completely different but equally amazing Midwife.

I went on to have a planned Home Birth. It was shocking experience for our whole family. I invited as many people as I could. My Midwife, Kathy, spent the night on my bedroom floor while I labored through the night. In the early daybreak hours she delivered my own, not tiny, beautiful baby girl. Afterwards my family and friends had brunch and birthday cake. I slept.

Kathy was with me through the birth of my second child and his subsequent diagnosis of Autism. Through tears I asked her if my choice to be induced could have caused it. She hugged me tight. Midwives can apparently do that too. I am finished having children but I still see Kathy. She inspires me to be more than I dreamed. She helped me find confidence to grieve for the son I dreamed of, accept the son I have, and the courage to be the Mother he needs. I used that strength when I attended the births of friends and family. Ultimately, I decided to finally heed my calling to Midwifery.

I am in my third term and doing very well. I like my courses and cohort group. The school is very supportive. It is a departure from my accelerated second degree BSN program. The pace is still accelerated but seems much more manageable with just two courses per term. I will complete all my didactic work first then move on to clinical toward the end of MSN next year. I will move into the DNP portion the program in 2019.

A low occurred when I was at Upenn and it became glaringly apparent that there was NO way I would be able to finance my education there. I was maxed out on student loans and I would have to leave my children with a sitter twice a week for class. I looked for another option in Frontier Nursing University a distance midwifery education program for nurses. It has been smooth sailing ever since. I feel like I’m on the right path for me.

My goal is to live life fully and help others do the same in whatever capacity that means for them. Just keeping it simple, and reaching as many women as I can. Ideally I dream about having a homebirth/birthcenter practice and also having hospital privileges.

How has it been raising an autistic child and especially now you are entering the birth world? 

Raising my son while pursuing midwifery I only work on the weekends. Malcolm is amazed that I am a nurse. I used to be a teacher. He asks about the babies in a matter of fact way. Malcolm is a happy person. It is always sunny for him. His only complaint would come if I forgot to bring donuts home. It’s become a ritual when I go to work.

If you can give one piece of advice in terms of becoming and/or being a midwife what would it be?

I would say to research the current legislation in your state. Then consider the different avenues to practice. There are not the same and require varying levels of training and time. 

What makes you up in the middle of the night? 

I am always worry that I'm not doing enough for my children, for my people. I definitely struggle from 'imposter syndrome' too. I relive my shifts over and over especially when their tough. 

Birth is...an unforgettable, divine and perspective altering experience. 

Motherhood is... the hardest and most fulfilling work I have ever done. It can also be intensely painful and you have to acknowledge that when you become a mother. 

If you were given three wishes, what would you wish for?

This is so selfish but I would ask to remove autism from my son. 

I would ask for the freedom of resources to travel the world with my family. 

And Peace for all. 

What is the best thing about your life right now?

I actually really like my job. I'm working as a labor and delivery nurse. I love being with women during their labor. Women never cease to amaze.

What do you do for self care?

The best things I do for myself are eating well and keeping hydrated water. I cherish my alone time too. It is the best therapy. 

Read more of Kamil's story and her son at http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:DuakU6czUV0J:www.sa-lives.com/entry/28/a-day-in-the-life-malcolm-el+&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us

A Mother's Covenant...

On a recent visit to Berlin, a place I hadn’t been to in over 20 years, I was entranced by the Selfie culture happening at the Holocaust Memorial in the middle of this progressive, vibrant city. Filled with a majority of foreigners on holiday, mixed with a handful of young local Germans, almost everyone had an iphone and were taking quirky, upbeat photo's on what were meant to represent the tombstones of the 6 million Jews murdered in the Holocaust. The only other Holocaust Memorial I have been to is right outside of Jerusalem and is divided into several aspects of the Holocaust, the most somber being the Children’s Memorial which is a dark room, where a visual image of a candle is shown, one at a time, as one by one the names of the 1.5 million murdered children are said aloud, along with their ages and their countries of origin. I think I only made it through 50 or so names, it was enough, and felt like a lifetime, I left feeling drained and heavy, a sharp contrast to the brevity and almost fun atmosphere of the Holocaust Memorial in Berlin.

As I looked around the memorial in Berlin with visitors posing for selfies what was clear to me is how free the younger generation of Germans are from the history. For them it is already history. They have moved on. In contrast, were I live in Israel there is not a day that goes by that strong reminders of the Holocaust are not used by the government, by celebrities, by the media in order to remind us of the horrors and the tragedy that befell the Jewish people. When I first met my husband and asked what it was like living in Israel where there is no Christmas, or Halloween, barely a New Years, or Thanksgiving…..and only Jewish holidays and culture are acknowledged , he answered that every Jewish holiday relives that ‘ you tried to kill us, so we killed you, let’s celebrate’.

Now after having lived in Israel for almost 10 years, the only place I have ever mothered my three children, I too live out this legacy. From periods of armed conflict when the survival mentality gets activated and militarism comes to the forefront of our daily lives, to the collective motherhood over obsessing about whether our children have had enough to eat, past traumas are easily reactivated. Some of these traumas are passed down genetically from generation to generation in our DNA. The research on epigenetics has shown that like trauma from Colonialization and Occupation, or Slave Trauma Syndrome when a Peoples have been enslaved, there is specific cellular trauma from having endured genocide such as in the Holocaust. But I think the bigger impact is from the coping mechanisms and emotional patterns that get passed down generationally that are more complex about scarcity, not trusting and the world being a hostile place.  A couple of years ago I had just given birth to my third baby when the war broke out here. There was one incident when a missile was landing very close to our house and it set off the neighborhood siren alerting us to run to a bomb shelter. I couldn’t respond in time and so I huddled with my newborn and two older children in the living room until it was over. The incident left me fired up, edgy, angry, blaming my husband for bringing me to this conflict ridden land and overwhelmed. This is one dramatic incident that I experienced personally but it was enough for me to understand some of the automatic responses to stress that people have here. At a certain point I made a conscious decision that despite the very real history of genocide, refugees and turmoil along with intermittent violence and conflict that reactivates those historical traumas, I would not passively accept this for my children’s worldview. I realized that I needed to be loud and clear with my children that the world is not ‘ out to get them ‘, an idea perpetuated here based on a really messy, tangled combination of very legitimatecriticism and outrage at Israel for the Occupation of the Palestinian People along with baseless toxic Anti-Semitism.  

As a mother I make sure that we all discuss what WE THINK about a situation not what we are being told. We also practice how the same situation might look if we were a different ethnicity in a different country. Living in a country where identity is collective along with individual we talk about WHY we do the things we do, from a Brit Mila or joining the Army ( even though it is illegal not to do the army in Israel). I try to make the ‘ lessons of the Holocaust’, not specific about the Jewish People but about Universal principles for handling prejudice and inequity. Social Justice and political involvement is woven into our lives even though it is not cool but actually brings a lot of suspicion from both ‘sides’. Often we are considered naïve at best and a traitor at worst. But, I see that my children’s hearts are open to embrace all peoples and their minds are critical of all group think imposed on them.

As a mother, I am working through my own family trauma and trying to release patterns that are destructive. At the same time I try to be conscious of releasing generational trauma and embracing the aspects of resilience that have been carried forward. Sometimes all this baggage is very very distant and other times it feels like a heave weight. For my own peace of mind I have developed practices to work though the more burdensome aspects of generational and persona trauma. Along with eating replenishing foods, making sure I have a handful of close girlfriends I can share with, getting enough rest and staying involved in activities that are fulfilling I believe the most important practice is a deep self love. Self love to me means relentless pursuit of upholding my self worth. This has been a practice that has evolved in recent years of really checking in on whether people, places, situations are a good fit for me. Asking myself if I’m vibing with what is happening around me. Being discerning about who has earned my trust and remembering that ‘ hurt people hurt people’ so that I have to surround myself with people who are capable of responding in a way that supports my most evolved self.

I am really not someone with all the answers but I do believe that how we feel is our truest guide to what we should pursue. I am becoming the woman I want to be, more honest with myself, ready to be clear about what I need and willing to put my wellbeing first. I do believe that healing is an ongoing, and not linear process, but that even the deepest wounds can be transcended.

I wish for us all the wisdom strength and resilience of our ancestors and freedom from the collective burdens that no longer serve us.

With love, genevieve   

I am a therapist with an M.A. in Psychology and recently earned certification in Narrative Family Therapy. I am also a certified Birth and Post Partum Doula and Childbirth Educator. I have been deeply active in peace activism and social justice work for over 20 years. Most importantly to me I am a married mother of 3.

After working with women in therapeutic settings for years, once I gave birth to my daughter I was caught off guard at how unprepared I felt to cope with early motherhood.  I felt a deep longing for family support and community and it seemed as though something very important was missing. While I was still breastfeeding and on maternity leave I began taking a course as a birth doula. Along with all the incredible knowledge I gained about pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum transition, the real wisdom was found within the healing that took place within our motherhood collective. My fellow doula students became my motherhood community as we shared family challenges, asked questions about our baby’s development and shared women’s wisdom traditions, remedies and practices.

After supporting women as a birth and post partum doula I recently completed a 3 year certification process in Narrative Family Therapy. My academic and professional training along with living within a matrilineal culture steeped in ancestral women’s wisdom, has provided me with the ability to guide women in early motherhood.

My life’s calling is supporting women navigate motherhood by strengthening their matrilineal lineage, healing generational trauma, creating a supportive community and living a life of meaning and purpose. http://www.birthofamama.com/

un·in·ter·rupt·ed: A Letter to Her Father

Peace D,

This email is not seeking for anything but to say one thing and one thing only. I forgive you. It has taken some time but I can say with a clear and free conscious and open heart and sober mind that I forgive you.  I forgive you from feeling abandoned from you to the absence of you during my pregnancy. I forgive you for the words that were said. I forgive you for the disrespect. I forgive you for missed prenatals and missed celebrations. I forgive you for having me to figure things out on my own when I sincerely wanted your input and/or involvement. I forgive you for allowing me to have to choose to leave Boston with our baby.  I forgive you for unable to care for my emotions. I forgive you for not being there for me/us when I needed you the most. I forgive for not answering my calls. I forgive you for not being at our daughter's birth. I forgive you for disrespecting your daughter's birthday with your embarrassing statement in front of everyone that "you are only a sperm donor." I forgive you for leaving early the next day. I forgive you for having to choose families and leaving us. I forgive you for treating me like I was your enemy or thinking I wanted any way to harm you. I forgive you for always accusing me of judging you. I forgive you for never truly listening to me. I forgive you at times and now, for not checking in with your, Glorious, no matter the drama between us, as her parents. I forgive you for many of times not keeping your word. I forgive you for unable to love me or properly show me love. I forgive you that at this current time you choose not to be a father to Glorious. I forgive you for not allowing her to know her siblings. I forgive you for unable to come together to reason and come to an agreement of how we would raise our child. I forgive you for allowing me to do this on my own. I forgive you for never able to give me that security in actions that I was waiting for, for me to say "yes" to us.

And if there is anything that I may have said and done I sincerely apologize and hope one day we can have the dialogue to bring about clarity and peace.

Thursday I received clarity on a lot of things that are for my self knowledge, wisdom and practical understanding. And I can let the anger go and let you go and the ideas I hoped about and be ok with how things are; even if it never changes. I received a beautiful gift and daughter who has changed my life tremendously in an a year and 4 months. You go through things to either experience new discoveries, lesson(s) and/or blessing(s) and I can say I have gratefully gained all three and continue to. So I sincerely say thank you as well.

Peace.

For the past couple of months I have been wrestling with anxiety and worries. I have felt I couldn't breathe with all the worries consuming every fiber of my being. Worried from the day to day responsibilities of being an adult and a mother; to will I be alive in the next few minutes, next few seconds to what will my future be like. Will I always struggle. A desire to want to give up. Being angry with myself all over again. To being angry with her father. To mourning an absent dad to his daughter, to worrying about I will eventually have to die and leave her behind. Every day I woke up just wanting to stay in the comfort of my bed and not wanting to deal with the outside world including myself. To going to bed but unable to to close my eyes for anxiety plagued me every night causing me to just lay there in the middle of the night.

But one night my anxiety was so bad I was unable to sleep and was forced to pray to the Creator, pleading with tears coming down my face while laying in my bed in the middle of the night. I prayed that He would help me rest and to take my worries away. I was begging for His peace to rest upon my soul. Eventually I fell asleep and woke up to my day feeling motivated and focused as I sat at my desk. Eventually I heard my internal voice say, "She's easier." I repeated those words out loud to myself. Then the internal reasoning began and it concluded:

"She's easier. She has tolerated him since day one they met. And even though your actions have shown you love him but you wouldn't verbally accept what she has been accepting for so many years. Why do you think he held you at arms length, always afraid to let you in because you would force/challenge him in ways he is obviously not ready to meet. You challenge him. You shake something within him that makes him feel uncomfortable. I doubt that he loves her because he does but look at their history. They met each other when they were emotional not well. She allowed a lot of things. She accepted the dysfunctional behaviors.She was the easier choice since day one. He holds you in high regards to the point that you intimidate him. You not the easier choice. He was not and is not ready for your expectations of him because the idea of failing would be too great." 

At that moment I wept at my desk at work but these were happy tears. I felt free and released from the weight of all my worries and anxieties that I was wrestling with for the past few months. 

All I desired was the father and I to be civilized to one another as we try to co-parent but you can't do that if both parents are not committed. He currently lives in Boston, MA and looking to relocate to North Carolina with his other family as I live in Philadelphia, PA. Even though he doesn't really have a strong presence in her life at the current time I show her pictures of him and initiate phone calls between the two of them. I do this, so she will always know I never did anything to prevent her from having a relationship with him. And when the time comes and she desires to speak to him I will be more then open for her to reach out to him. I do fear the implications this will have on her as she gets older and the impact it will have in her identity but I must take one day at a time and just pray and love her the best way I can.

I did not write this story for you to hate him but hope you see that his actions came from his immature child mind state that never dealt with his own issues emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He came from a broken home as well, where he met his father for the first time at the age of twenty-two. He didn’t have a normal upbringing. I’m not making excuses for him. But more so realizing we must take special inventory of the state we are in individually and why we do the things we do. Family composition may not be normal but we are still able to create a safe space for the people involved and children. To make this possible as long we are willing to take responsibility for our actions and willing to do the work towards our own healing for the betterment of the structure of the family, no matter how that may look like because what is a normal family now a days. I also learned, ladies, we cannot think we can go into relationships thinking we can save someone, but most importantly we must see circumstances and people for what they are and not what we want them to be. Two sick people cannot know how to love one another. As nurturers, women have a natural tendency to nurture the best out of a person, but what if that person is not ready for that vision you see for them? Will you continue to live off a delusion or accept the situation for what it truly is and being honest with yourself?

Most of all we must be careful who we allow to plant in our gardens and plant spiritual, mental, emotional, verbal, and/or physical seeds because having to uproot those weeds is not easy. The Bible says “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life,” (Proverbs 4:23) and this rings to be so true. All intentions of a person comes from a person’s heart and when the heart is damaged it is very hard for it to come back from.

This is just the beginning for me and I am excited about others I may help by sharing my story. Part of my healing is by helping others and sharing my experience, which lessens my fears and shame little by little. I truly believe my experiences, which I take full responsibility for, were truly blessings to empower me and force me to grow. So in all that I have gone through I express gratitude because I am able to see the mercy, grace and glory in it all from start to finish and it’s far from over.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." Lewis B. Smedes

Written on Oct. 2015